This will not make sense to you.
[Me and Vivian Castelino in this world]

I am recollecting a phase where I wrote almost every alternate day and I found joy in doing so. I was someone who also had a daily diary that was actually a ranting session with a book that did nothing more but listen to me. I stopped writing 2 years back for myself and changed ways. I wrote for people, surroundings and the things that happen in our society. It was so life-changing. I came across so many things and somehow it helped me get out of my small world and see for myself If I could be of any help to this world. I have no clue how my writings have helped the world in the past two years. I don't know if it has helped in the first place, but after a long time, I feel a sudden need to write for myself, for the things I missed on in the past two years and now that I think of it, I could have written so much. Every second day, I keep telling myself, 'We'll start today Rahul, It's no big deal.' But it is. I haven't been able to do it. Until now. 

        There are times in life when you don't feel enough for yourself and hence you go in search of someone who might fill you. Might fill the emptiness in you and once you find that someone, it becomes your everything. Your '4 am friend' or your 'Go to person' he or she is the most beautiful person in the world and you cannot listen to one wrong thing against that being. Now this is where you have to recognize the fact that you have fallen in love with the personality of that person and once that happens, everything else seems beautiful too. This is something we fail to do with the entire humanity. We fail to notice the beauty inside humans and that makes us judgmental. A lot of such judgmental beings have been a part of my life in the past two years. I couldn't do anything about them. I gave life time and sooner or later some left and some are still unable to see the door. Though some have suggested me to kick such baboons out of my life, but on second thoughts we need such people. The one's who keep disappointing us.

"I hope people always keep disappointing me
If they don’t,
sea shores, star gazing and rains
Will stop making sense to me."

 I hope you have found that person in your life who keeps you going, who is like your charger. Something that we keep running to by the end of the day or in times of crisis. Such people are important, but don't forget that they aren't permanent. Well nothing is permanent, until you struggle and give your everything to make it permanent. It depends on you. The people you choose, they people you wish should stay around you and how they help you grow. People will only stay, if you give them a reason to stay. Why would someone stay somewhere if  that 'somewhere' doesn't give them joy and love and belonging-ness? We forget that we are equally responsible for everything that happens in our lives, we always tend to believe that we are right, which we are not.We don't realize that the repercussions of the catastrophe in our life will affect us the same way it might affect the others. We keep telling ourselves that we are being used, that people only call for us when they need us and that everyone around is selfish and they are into themselves. Some are not. But we love to misunderstand and misinterpret people.

"I have lost many,
Now I am losing you.
It’s been a vicious cycle.
Losing people was the best thing
That happened to me
Some, sure were worth all the time
Some thought,
I was free!"

I hated the fact that people thought I was a 24*7 Depressed person, who had nothing to do in life but to find sorrow in everything that happens around. Moreover I was someone who wrote, so that became the cherry on the cake. There came a point where I got tired of telling people that I am not what they think I am, so like Gina Gomes, a classmate of mine says. 'Cut a little slack on that' I did the same. I stopped telling the world that I am not someone who cries and feels deeply about everything in the universe. I wasn't sad and I had a little something left in me that they called 'fun'. I had a different side to me that so many of them had no clue about, rather people never made me feel comfortable enough around them that I could wear my dancing shoes and slay a little. Aren't there days when you feel like doing so much but you feel that there's no time left? Days when your adrenaline is at its peak and you are waiting to win the world. This is you after a lot of convincing, to your inner-self that you can do it. You have taken so much effort to drag yourself out of the bed and made up your mind to start over and smile again.

"I have died so many nights,
Only to wake up the next morning
 and die again."

But nonetheless, you are up again, ready for the adventure, just like I am. You know the world is no different than yesterday but you and I both know, we have no where else to go. So we decide to smile and hide the so many faces who are battling inside us to come out to shut so many mouths. But we cage them anyhow. We know the freedom of all the different faces will come at the price of our freedom to roam out in this world safe. We shut ourselves and we choose silence. We know, if we have to get our work done and if we have to move ahead, we have to nod to the kings and the queens, sometimes bend the knee, like Jon did! We let everything else overpower the goodness and the truth. Because in the end, its one against the world. It sucks, I know.  But, I would still ask you to be You. Irrespective of what the world thinks and talks of you. You stay the way you are because I couldn't be me. Not enough at least. I let the world affect me to an extent where I had random breakdowns. Don't be me. All these Instagram posts that give you that little strength, while you scroll through travelling in the train, gather that strength. Stay strong and happy. Love yourself, but love someone else more than you, it keeps you humble and makes someone's world more beautiful. Be you.

"Keep loving you,
Not obsessing you.
Now you know
I was talking to you
Maybe, just you
Or more than you
Yes you,
Be you."


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